Gifted Women's Experiences in Their Own Words July 4, 2024
Three 30-something gifted women tell their stories
A couple months ago, I wrote and posted Is a Gifted Woman’s Experience Different From a Man’s?
Read it here: Is a Gifted Woman’s Experience Different From a Man’s?
Here are three responses from readers
Good morning,
Woooof, did I feel this!?! [after reading from the May 7, 2024, post].
I was born in the mid-1980s. I was a very early reader and I can remember being asked to read official letters and documents before school age. After that nothing really stands out until junior high. In 7th grade I was put in advanced classes. My male English teacher decided that I was more interested in boys than school and I was not invited to continue the following year!! He actually said that was the reason. From that point on I was never invited back into gifted classes. I was always a straight A student and I never really had to try until college. I got a 99 on the regents in Math and 90 something in English. As I walk this journey with my son I’ve had a lot of self-reflection.
I really related to your story. I became a teacher because I always loved children and that’s just what you did. I still love children but I don’t love teaching in the format I currently am. So much of my brain power goes to my own child. I feel like there is only so much of me to go around, but since I never developed any other path I feel stuck. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with teaching, but I have always felt like I should have and could have done more. For now I’m too tired. But maybe the next chapter.
Thank you,
Melody
from Upstate NY
Dr. Ruf,
I feel like most people who send you their life stories don’t know where to begin… I’m torn, because I’ve been through a lot in my 37 years, and I don’t know if it’s even interesting or important (imposter syndrome is strong over here). Right now, I’m a recent graduate psychiatric mental-health nurse practitioner (PMHNP) working with underprivileged kids and teens, providing psychiatric medication management. I’m married with two gifted children — I’ve read your first book and have commented on your Facebook page! 7 years ago, I was a single mother working part time for $10 an hour while I commuted 90 minutes each way to go to a prestigious school of nursing for my master’s degree, because I had been so lost from the ages of 20–30 and my child was the impetus for me bettering myself and getting us out of the trailer we were living in.
I grew up poor, in rural OH in the 90’s, the oldest child of two high school sweethearts who had me at age 20 and divorced at 32 (I have one brother who is 5 years younger). The divorce sent me into a spiral of depression, cutting, and an eating disorder, and I dealt with that for the better part of my young adult life. Despite barely eating enough to survive and feeling suicidal every night, I ended up with a 4.5ish GPA in high school, graduated 10th out of 500+ students, and got a full scholarship to an excellent school. (I guess it goes without saying I was in the gifted program in school — I have a late September birthday but so badly wanted to go to kindergarten early, so was IQ tested to start before I turned 5).
Then, I dropped out of college in my junior year.
Ages 20–26 were a lot of substance use, reckless behavior, existential depression, continued disorder eating, just lots of bad decisions. I became pregnant at 26 and, though I am the most pro-choice person you’ll meet, made the choice to keep my baby — even though the bio dad showed very little interest in being involved. We moved out of the city I was living in back home to the small town I grew up in, since we could stay in a relative’s trailer for free while I worked and finished my bachelor’s degree online. I took some prerequisite nursing classes at a community college. I never thought I’d get accepted into the master’s program I applied to, but I did. I met my husband there — he always bragged to everyone in class while we were dating, that I never had to study for any of the exams and still got one of the highest scores. We got married 8 months after we graduated, and then had another child the following year (at the height of COVID). We moved across the country and have been building this wonderful, busy, never-dull life.
I just took the MENSA proctored test last week and was shocked to find that I qualified, and accepted membership. It has brought up a massive amount of feelings — a reiteration that I am “different;” a validation that, yes, I probably have always been the most intelligent person in the room; a fear that I won’t live up to my potential if I don’t get started writing all the books that are in my head…. And so on.
I’m not sure if this even answers your question about how life as a gifted woman has been different. I am a pretty extroverted introvert, have always been very social and liked by everyone — despite my best efforts, at times. I’m probably not what people think of when they think of top 2% of the world’s IQ, as I don’t have any social deficits, I didn’t follow a traditional educational path, and my rural southern Ohio accent comes out from time to time. I had to quit my first RN job because I saw so many administrative issues that I pointed out and was told that I just needed to “be more optimistic.” I’m interested in beauty and fashion. I sometimes drink too much — and that was my downfall in my 20’s. I get overstimulated by my kids’ noisiness in ways my husband doesn’t understand.
Anyway…. I’ve just joined my local MENSA chapter and I hope to find people who make me feel less different. I’m sorry if this is too much information, or not enough (that is always my quandary in life). But I’m always open to conversation, if there’s anything else you want to know!
Thank you for all the research and work you do; it is so very meaningful!
~ Carla
Dear Deborah
I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m married with a wonderful child who surprises me every day. It is all so new!
I have been surrounded by men my whole life (3 brothers, the military, engineering school, and even now in my engineering career). I watch these men disrupt/interrupt me while I’m speaking, dismiss my very forward thinking, claim my work as their own, even use verbal tone and volume to try to intimidate me in a PROFESSIONAL environment. I can’t imagine how they’d behave if they could truly be themselves. But, over time I’ve realized they too have their own biases. Some of these men (especially in the military) have never known working with women. Women were play things when they pulled into port or they are their mothers/sisters/daughters, but never a peer. It’s like they logically know it’s wrong, but their egos can’t handle it. It’s as though being respectful to a woman takes something away from them as a man and their role as one. Now, I know this, yet it still infuriates me when it happens, but I too have my own biases. I am trying to also fit into this world. In my mind, I’m a strong, intelligent, hardworking woman that can synthesize information like no one I’ve met before. Why don’t they trust me immediately? I have to be right 100% of the time for years on end or that one error could lose their trust in me permanently. It’s exhausting, but they are (and I am) slowly coming around. Change is hard for all of us and it’s even more difficult when we put our expectations on others. I expect them to see me as equal maybe even sometimes as a leader (that is probably my ego haha). But I know I most certainly don’t look like their idea of a leader. As you’ve written, your father lived and developed his sense of self in a very different time and environment than we live today. Military men, especially of his era, didn’t have women peers. If they did, those women were in caretaker roles like nurses, secretaries, etc. so his interpretation and expectation of women will always be shaped by his own experiences. It’s tough and I’ve heard your frustration with it in your writing, but I’ve also heard his love and admiration for you in your writing too.
Victoria
East Coast
I hope to continue this sharing of experiences. I am planning to write a post about gifted men, too. I haven’t done that before because I am not a man and thought I couldn’t speak for them. But now I will do what I can to say what I see, and then gifted men can write to me about their experiences, too, so we can share it with others.
You can write to me at @deborahruf/Substack or https://medium.com/@deborahruf
In the meantime, here are links to my books about giftedness and also how to arrange to work directly with me:
The Five Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023). https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-Children-Grown-Up/dp/B0C9SHFRLH or https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-5-levels-of-gifted-children-grown-up-phd-deborah-l-ruf/1143719859?ean=9798988323709. This is an 18 year longitudinal study follow-up about the original gifted child subjects in 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (2005, 2009).
Keys to Successfully Parenting the Gifted Child, 2023, by Deborah Ruf. Find on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Keys-Successfully-Parenting-Gifted-Child/dp/B0C9GHSJ53
5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (2005, 2009). https://www.giftedunlimitedllc.com/store/p12/5_Levels_of_Gifted.html
Dr. Ruf is available for the following services.
Click for details and to schedule:
One-Hour Test Interpretation
Gifted Child Test Interpretation & Guidance
20-Minute Consultation
45-Minute Consultation
One-Hour Consultation
Podcast Interview
Coming soon: Rates for Keynote options, both in-person and virtual
Deborah, This post put many wheels in motion. It's a trusting action to tell "my story." Is it the specific nature of your question that encourages someone to write and send the story to you? You gave three clues: woman, gifted, age Because storytelling is to me what tests & measurement are to you -- my core, truth, and gift, could you help me think through the possibility and the value of some kind of Storytelling Mastery function in the GPC Community? I mean, the people I love to serve and touch every day are already good at communication and seem to have a gap or hesitation when it comes to telling the story of THEM. Is it they damn well know their story and hesitate to write it out or want to share it? Or have they not had enough guidance in finding their truths? What makes me say this is this from your reader, which smacked me right between the eyes: "I feel like most people who send you their life stories don't know where to begin...I'm torn, because I've been through a lot in my 37 years, and I don't know if it's even interesting or important."