Does Being Smart Mean You Don’t Have Any Social Skills?

It's about being around others who are like you often enough. No easy task in typical school settings!

The issue of feeling normal or fitting easily into our environments so that we feel like we belong and are welcome, is a deep and pervasive issue for many highly intelligent, gifted, people of all ages.

I have long been interested in what makes people feel like they don’t belong. This feeling of not quite “getting it” myself led to my actively exploring the topic in graduate school — and the selection of my coursework — and in most of the writing I have done for the last 25 years or so.

I developed a theory, probably not unique to me, that emotional intelligence, or EQ (1) rather than being an inborn ability, is a skill that needs to be taught and facilitated in individuals who deviate significantly from the norm in their intellectual intelligence (IQ). Emotional Intelligence is also part of what we mean when we refer to “social skills.”

The issue of feeling normal or fitting easily into our environments so that we feel like we belong and are welcome is a deep and pervasive issue for many highly intelligent, gifted, people of all ages.

As I studied and learned more about what high intelligence is, I saw that when children’s mental ages (2) are considerably different from those with whom they must spend the majority of their time, their opportunities for effective and rewarding social interaction are minimized. If interventions, purposeful or serendipitous, are not available, effective communication and interpretation of social cues cannot easily be developed.

The unofficial theory holds that highly intelligent individuals who are not made aware of this source of their emotional and social difficulties enter adulthood with weak self-esteem and defensive behavior designed to ward off uncomfortable and unrewarding personal interactions. Loneliness and feelings of isolation are common features of highly gifted people who have not been facilitated in bridging the emotional and social gulf between themselves and the majority population.

As part of my doctoral dissertation final paper (3), I explored examples, from my sample group of highly gifted adults, of positive and negative experiences related to the learning of social and emotional interactions that are popularly considered to indicate people’s emotional intelligence (EQ). My initial study included 125 highly gifted adults between the ages of 20 and 83 years old during the early 1990s. I used an evaluation of item responses from the childhood and adulthood questionnaires I’d developed and asked the subjects to complete. Most of the questions related to their social connections and interactions in the family, school, and workplace.

Subjects were further evaluated for emotional maturity based on the theories of Maslow, Erikson, and Dabrowski. My analysis suggested that subjects who showed the most self-actualization and emotional maturity had either found a way to cultivate and increase their emotional quotients (EQs) or had been raised with the opportunities to do so. This post features excerpts from the case studies to illustrate and support the topic here.

My conclusions following my first case study research back in the ’90s are that — for most people — there is often the opportunity to practice and hone social skills in an environment where the individual’s vocabulary, sense of humor, complexity of thought and interests are similar to others around him or her. Children who are very different, by virtue of their intellectual level, from their same-age classmates, often experience that their comments, observations, and questions annoy classmates. Others may possibly view the highly gifted person as inappropriate or odd. If such a child is seldom with like-minded others, social and emotional adjustment are often more difficult to attain.

And, it must be admitted here, I have always bristled at the idea that children should be in same-aged classrooms to learn social skills. If the other children think you’re weird and routinely marginalize you, this is not a good situation for developing or learning good social skills.

The following selected excerpts from the 1998 case studies reveal how often the highly gifted subjects did not receive helpful input about the way they naturally were.

Gene, a 56-year old scientist with an IQ of about 175 (4) on the old deviation ratio IQ test (the equivalent of about a 140 on modern tests whose scales only go up to ~150) described what others thought of him:

“They thought I was ok, but somewhat off-beat, if not strange. Likeable, cheerful, smart. Popular? No. I was friendly enough, and sociable, but never part of the ‘in crowd.’ Somewhat of a loner, by choice.”

In my 5 Levels of Gifted system, which I developed and published in 2005 (5), Gene would be described as a Level Four. In more familiar terms, he would be considered exceptionally gifted, definitely an outlier in most environments.

Gene had two close friends, one at a time, throughout his childhood. He felt loved and encouraged by his parents although they did not verbalize their love or support. When asked if he “fit in” he responded:

“I was aware, but thought it more of a strangeness than a qualitative difference, thus I thought of myself as not fitting in. Nevertheless, it was not an extreme isolation, just a sense of being peripheral to the mainstream…felt not ahead or smarter, just different.”

Gene said that no one ever took a personal interest in him and he wishes now that they had. He had no idea that he was intellectually so different from most other people and no one ever gave him that information.

I took the Mensa (6) test when I was 25 and for the first time knew my IQ. That gave me confidence. I had previously flunked out of the Naval Academy, although I returned and finished the following year. Now I know why I’m “different!

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Sandra, age 43, remembered having an IQ result in the low 140s on a group ability test during elementary school. The group tests used in the 1950s and 1960s had a top score of 150, so the low 140s translates into an old scale SB-LM (7) test, for example, to a score in the 170s. Interestingly, when Sandra volunteered to participate in this study, she had to take the Miller Analogies Test — at age 43 — to demonstrate proof of high giftedness, and her overall demonstrated ability level on that test correlated well with her earlier scores.

She experienced an extremely abusive and difficult childhood that included her mother’s death when Sandra was 3, living in an orphanage for a few years when her father’s drinking was too bad to allow him to raise his children, and then an abusive step-mother who resented her.

“I was aware of not fitting in, especially in the early grades. At the Home, they quickly squelched any sense of pride in my unusual achievements by frowns at my mention of getting better grades, also that I was always showing off by writing and reading my poetry [author note, she was an extremely talented writer]. I received lots of mixed and conflicting messages. In upper elementary and secondary school there were a large number of high ability kids in my class…I felt like I fit in.”

In Sandra’s case, her being an exceptionally gifted Level Four was a problem in some of her social environments but not in others. She experienced a school path, as she mentions above, that put her in close proximity to many others at her large public schools because the school tracked and ability grouped their students. Putting students in such learning environments restricts the range to which teachers have to teach a classroom full of youngsters. Although Sandra didn’t have that during the elementary school years, she was simply fortunate to have at least three to four fellow outliers in her classes the last three years, and that enabled all of them to feel more normal.

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Candace, a 47 year old woman whose old-test scale IQ is above 150 (slightly above a 130 on a modern test), and highly gifted at Level Two to Level Three, also came from a very abusive home. She started school early and had teachers who wanted to skip her further in her middle elementary years, but her mother said no. Her case study makes it quite clear that her parents really did not like her. While Candace was in junior high her mother and teacher had a big fight over some issue related to Candace’s sister. The mother pulled Candace out of any classes this teacher taught and that meant Candace was no longer in classes with her gifted peers. She experienced tremendous confusion over her value, her abilities, and over what people would think of her. It isn’t too difficult to conclude that her emotional intelligence was tremendously impacted by the way her parents and teachers treated her.

“I was nothing but a disappointment. I was a girl. I was supposed to be a boy. I was inquisitive, which both parents interpreted as rude and challenging to their authority. I was smart so they confused my ability to learn with a capacity for understanding my actions in a greater context. Therefore, they attached adult motivations to even the simplest question of a 4-year old. By the time I was 7 or 8, my life had become a painful existence. I knew God had made me wrong and I could never be right.”

Fortunately, Candace had two different friends in her late teens and in her 30s who helped her find herself. She also devoted herself to counseling for a number of years. She evolved into one of the most evolved, self-actualized people in my study who has a select number of close friends and a number of comfortable, but casual, acquaintances. She is also very happily married to her second husband.

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Arnie, a 43-year old man with an estimated IQ of about 150 on the old SB-LM or its equivalent, said that he was not aware of being exceptional, and knew he didn’t fit in, and he said he has never been able to make friends.

“My father always called me ‘stupid.’ Taking the Mensa test in 1975 finally ended the confusion. It turns out I’m not stupid, at least.”

I tend to think that Arnie’s inability to make friends may have started with the poor, emotionally abusive parenting he received at home. Often children who are emotionally abused have difficulty at school and do not engender tender feelings from those who might come to their rescue at school. In my study there were more boys than girls, unfortunately, who found little solace at school.

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An unusually successful businesswoman, 45-year old Marlene had an IQ of over 180 (over 140 to 145 on a modern test), exceptionally to profoundly gifted at probably Level Four. Although she, too, came from an emotionally abusive family (about half my subjects reported high levels of emotional abuse), she described her own confusion over why she did not feel comfortable with herself or others as follows:

“I was thought of as bright and a loner. I think everyone just thought I was different. I remember people saying ‘she’s smart’ when they thought I wasn’t listening. I was always listening. My reputation was as one who is quiet. Yes, people knew I was smart. My family could not deal with it. The schools were shocked and I don’t think knew how to deal with me. College was wonderful. At last freedom and people I could talk to.”

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Ben, a 46-year old with an IQ near 150 (modern score of about 130, highly gifted, and at least Level Two), wrote, “I never fit in. I thought I was stupid.” He also was the object of much bullying and wondered in his study surveys responses why nothing ever seemed to be done about it. Despite the bad and confusing treatment he experienced, he wrote,

“For a brief time (weeks, perhaps) I discovered I could hit smaller kids and get away with it. Shortly after I discovered that I felt like shit when I thought about it. End of my bully phase. I tend to find myself in arguments and debates when I have strong feelings about a subject. When I don’t have a stake in something I tend to be a peacemaker and have developed a modest skill at achieving compromise.”

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Personally, I find it amazing how many of these subjects have found their way into being at least modestly emotionally intelligent. Most of them have achieved far more. In fact, there were only about 5 people from my core study with 41 subjects who remained hostile and bitter as adults and who still had no friends. I could go on and on about how little helpful feedback highly gifted people get about how they are different and how they are still good and valuable people.

I propose that a system of identification that includes a recognition of the real differences people at different levels of giftedness feel and experience would be extremely helpful to them for better understanding themselves and developing their emotional intelligence earlier in life before so much confusion and pain have been experienced.

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2023 Addendum: My book 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (2005, 2009), sets up that identification system for gifted children. It’s described in the article on Medium and Substack called “Ruf Estimates of Levels of Giftedness.” The gifted children from that first book are now adults and I interviewed most of them, 60 of the original 78 subjects, and asked them many of the same questions I asked the participants in my first book. The new book, The 5 Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us, was released in July, 2023.

Notes:

[1] A good, current source can be found here: Cherry, K. (2022) on Very Well Mind. What is Emotional Intelligence?

[2] Mental age is a way of comparing the intellectual abilities of one person to another and is obtained through intelligence testing and observation. It is generally used with school-aged children, not adults, because year-to-year changes in adults are no longer a good way of comparing different individual’s abilities. It looks at how a specific individual, at a specific age, performs intellectually, compared to average intellectual performance for that individual’s actual chronological age. The “actual” chronological age is taken from the average of a large number of other tested children the same age-range — usually within 3 months — as the child in question.

[3] Ruf, D. (1998) Environmental, Familial, and Personal Factors That Affect the Self-Actualization of Highly Gifted Adults: Case Studies. Minneapolis, MN: University of Minnesota. Free PDF https://dabrowskicenter.org/ruf

[4] The IQs quoted in this paper are from the older versions of IQ tests that had scales that went up to and beyond 200. No current tests use that scale and the vast majority of individual and group ability tests utilize a 50 to 150 scale.

[5] Ruf, D. (2009). 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (originally published in 2005 under the title Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind). Scottsdale, AZ: Great Potential Press. Now available through e-book platforms and published by Gifted Unlimited, LLC.

[6] Mensa is “The High IQ Society,” a social organization that requires scores at or above the 98th percentile on an intellectual ability test for membership. https://www.us.mensa.org/

[7] An excellent source for all things gifted: https://www.hoagiesgifted.org/wisc_vs_sb_l-m.htm

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My current published books about the gifted:

The Five Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023). https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-Children-Grown-Up/dp/B0C9SHFRLH or https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-5-levels-of-gifted-children-grown-up-phd-deborah-l-ruf/1143719859?ean=9798988323709. This is an 18 year longitudinal study follow-up about the original gifted child subjects in 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (2005, 2009).

Keys to Successfully Parenting the Gifted Child (2023). Keys to Successfully Parenting Gifted Children (2022, 2023)

5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options in 2009. Here are links to the 5 Levels of Gifted book on Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/5-levels-of-gifted-deborah-ruf/1126358834 and Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-School-Educational-Options/dp/0910707987 or directly from the publisher: https://www.giftedunlimitedllc.com/store/p12/5_Levels_of_Gifted.html

Losing Our Minds: Too Many Gifted Children Left Behind (Oct. 2024). Available now on both Amazon and B&N.

Follow this link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DL3BSC9X or this link: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/losing-our-minds-deborah-ruf/1146410968?ean=2940185888872

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