What Are Parenting Styles? Part 2 of 2
Effects on Gifted Children: How parenting styles can affect a gifted child's outcomes in school and life. Part 2 of 2
In the first post about parenting styles, I framed up a series of concepts about the interactions between gifted children and their parents. Then we launched into the authoritarian style of parenting. In this post I focus on the authoritative, permissive, and the uninvolved or neglectful parenting styles. Related research about parenting styles and a brief, additional look at neurodiversity and twice-exceptionalities are also presented here.
Authoritative
The next style is authoritative, and because authoritative and authoritarian sound so much alike, it helps to have a way to remember the difference. An authoritarian leader is also called a dictator, even if benevolent. The authoritarian makes the rules, and the citizens — or in this case, the children — must follow the rules, do what the dictator says, or suffer the consequences.
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style also establish rules and guidelines. However, the authoritative style is more democratic. These parents are receptive to their children’s viewpoints and willing to listen to questions. They “monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. Though assertive, they are not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, not punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (Baumrind, 1991).[i]
Authoritative parents allow their children to make many decisions about how they want to perform in school and academic settings. Most of these parents have less confidence than the other parenting styles in the long-term value of grades and believe “doing well in school” does not always correlate directly with eventual future opportunities in life. They expect their children to do well, but “do well” means something entirely different for them than the authoritarian parenting group. They look for their children to get “good enough” grades, and they show more interest in whether their children are learning and enjoy learning.
Authoritative parents are more likely than the authoritarian parents to allow their children to discover their own interests and develop their own goals. They may be disappointed or concerned about their child’s circumstances if things are not working well for the child, but they are not disappointed in the child personally.
Authoritative parents also see the school setting as being a place where their children learn social skills and have friends. They listen and encourage when their children have things they want to talk about or are unhappy about something happening at school. Generally, they do not get involved in homework completion issues; they see problems like late assignments as something the child needs to go directly to the teacher to solve. If the child focuses more on the process and independently chooses what is important and worth working hard on, the authoritative parent is usually comfortable with that. There is often goal-and-process alignment between them. The parents provide guidance and explanations about which different behaviors and performances are likely to bring future opportunities and then leave it to the child to choose. There are limits, but also substantial freedom within those broad limits.
Permissive
According to Baumrind, permissive parents “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation.” Permissive parents are generally nurturing and communicative with their children, often taking on the status of a buddy more than that of a parent. The research literature indicates permissive parenting has similarly poor outcomes as the authoritarian style with children in general, and there is a strong indication this is true for the now-adult gifted children in this book. Both permissive and uninvolved parents, the next parenting style, are likely to leave their children’s career planning or school grade- getting performance to their children, and in some cases, these parents provide little to no clear guidance at all.
Uninvolved or Neglectful
The uninvolved or neglectful parent has or takes no active parenting role in the child’s life. This can occur due to divorce, death, not seeing it as their job or role, believing their other roles, e. g., being “the breadwinner” are more important, or simply choosing to be aloof and uninvolved. It is sometimes someone who has either chosen to let the other parent take care of things or has been marginalized by the primary parent. None of these causes leads to an ideal environment for the child, and it is especially problematic when the primary parent’s style is harmful to the children and the uninvolved parent — or anyone — never intervenes. An absent, neglectful, or uninvolved parent can have a lasting effect on the outcomes of the now-grown gifted children in this study.
What Does the Research Say is the Best Way to Parent?
In general, research indicates the authoritative method is best, but, as Judith Rich Harris points out in The Nurture Assumption on page 49, [ii] there are many variables to consider, the first being the culture from which the family sets its goals and values. For example — and in the form of an extreme simplification by me, not Harris — in the American middle- and upper-class white populations, which is what this sample mostly is, the themes of “well-rounded” and “just being a kid” are important. Gail Post,[iii] a therapist and author of The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-Discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children (2022), wrote the following:
Not surprisingly, an authoritative style, as proposed by Baumrind, may be the most effective parenting style for raising gifted children. Eager to parse through every directive, frequently willing to debate you over any request, and reluctant to follow rules without some input, gifted children quickly balk at authoritarian directives. It just doesn’t make sense to them. Dwairy (2004, p. 275), for example, found that “parents of gifted adolescents tend to be more authoritative and less authoritarian than parents of nongifted adolescents. (Post, 2022, p. 151).
In the Jewish and Asian cultures it is more common for parents to be authoritarian and have strong beliefs that being a good student and getting good grades is what school is about. It is also important for these and other cultures to see their children qualify for high-level post-secondary institutions and entering a respected and lucrative career. Joining and being active in the right clubs and extracurricular activities is also valued by both groups, but the view of which extracurricular activities are appropriate might differ.
Peer group pressure or expectations can affect school behaviors, too. For example, sometimes high-achieving African-American students and youngsters who live in rural areas are disparaged by their peers for possessing “school smarts rather than street smarts” or being a “nerd” — especially if they are boys. Adolescents who have no intention of pursuing a post-secondary education after high school are often less interested in school since they plan to join the workforce immediately after graduation rather than attend college. The peer group or peer pressure of the group can have a huge effect on how gifted students behave in school and toward school.
There are additional factors related to parenting style and any related viewpoints seem to further explain the outcomes of the gifted subjects. Harris points out in the Nurture Assumption (1998, p. 48) that, in most cases, it is likely parents apply different parenting approaches depending on how the children are behaving. Overall, few subjects in this follow-up described their parents as completely authoritarian. Most of the young adults in this group quickly deduced the authoritarian label was not generally a favorable one, and when they were asked about their parents’ parenting styles, they tended to place their parents in the authoritative style category and added caveats such as blending two categories. Of course, it is also possible authoritarian parenting is not common in this study group of families, as mentioned earlier in Post’s reference (2022) to Dwairy (2004) that “parents of gifted adolescents tend to be more authoritative and less authoritarian than parents of nongifted adolescents.”
Post added this:
Authoritative parenting is associated with higher cognitive performance in gifted adolescents and with their secure attachment as adults (Pilarinos and Soloman, 2017) … and there is a need for further research to determine whether certain characteristics predispose parents of gifted children to adopt an authoritative parenting style, or whether parents of the gifted are merely responding to their gifted child’s inherent need (demand) for warmth, empathy, and a more communicative relationship (p. 152).
Finally, for gifted children who grow up in poverty or low income circumstances, have frequent moves, homelessness, or other environmentally or systemically caused chaos, there are often real parenting obstacles and pressures that impede their ability to provide what their gifted children need. And, connected to all these possible situational environments are the peer groups that can work for or against the overall goals of “good” parenting.
Neurodiversity and Twice-Exceptional Children
Parenting style is related to outcomes, and so are other factors including viewpoints and personality type preferences. My viewpoints as this book’s author, for example, influence what I focus on in my writing and recommendations. My personality type preference, currently a Myers-Briggs E/INTP, indicates I am analytical, theoretical, and slightly emotionally detached from (as a T-Thinker rather than an F-Feeler) idealism. Everybody has some combination of styles, views, and personalities.
Related to the topic of why we might see and react to the same things differently is a topic that comes up frequently, and that is neurodiversity. According to a post by Dona Matthews in Psychology Today, (2021),[iv] giftedness is a form of neurodiversity. Most often, however, the term is used as a descriptor for the condition of being twice-exceptional.[v] Not too long ago, we called these learning disabilities, and they are described as impediments to learning in children who should be doing better in school.[vi] These learning difficulties themselves fall under a large umbrella in that the degree to which they are a problem varies, and parenting styles and views affect how the neurodiversity, the learning difference, etc., are identified and treated. It also sometimes affects teacher views and advice.
I don’t specifically cover the issue of “twice-exceptional” because I have always seen so- called disabilities or differences as simply different places on the continuum of how people are. Primarily, we need to provide the “best fit” environment and support children with the goal of becoming “good enough” in their areas of weakness and encourage them to soar in their domains of interest and passion. I’ve always believed the difficulties that keep some people from handling typical school well are also the features that allow them, in the right settings, to really focus on their own unique strengths. I’ve only recently looked further into the growing field called “neurodiversity,” and it jibes well with what I already thought. This means that my overall recommendations throughout my writing apply to twice-exceptional children, too.
For additional background on the topics of parenting styles and neurodiversity, there are many resources available. It is recommended that anyone planning to rear, teach, or otherwise guide children should be able to learn everything they can ahead of time. And it still won’t be enough — don’t expect yourself to be perfect if you are currently parenting! — because all children are unique and you will still have to be flexible and play it by ear. A good online resource for parenting is The Attached Family: Parenting for World Harmony.[vii] Another, Current Research on Parenting Styles, Dimensions, and Beliefs by Judith Smetana, (2017),[viii] can offer new insights and lead to other resources, as well. And a good starting place for the topic of neurodiversity is with these two recent articles: What is Neurodiversity?[ix] from the Harvard Medical School, and What Is Neurodiversity: And how can parents support kids who are neurodivergent?[x] from the Child Mind Institute.
For background on the laws surrounding services to children in schools, I’ve provided another link in the endnotes.[xi]
NOTES
[i] Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.
[ii] Harris, J. R. (1998). The nurture assumption: Why children turn out the way they do. Touchstone.
[iii] Gail Post, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, writer, and consultant. In clinical practice for more than three decades, she provides psychotherapy and parent consultations with a focus on the needs of intellectually and musically gifted. She is an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine.
[iv] See Dona Matthews’ explanations about neurodiversity here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/going- beyond-intelligence/202107/neurodiversity-and-gifted-education#:~:text=Giftedness%20is%20a%20form%20of,are%20children’s%20resulting%20learning%20needs
[v] The term basically means a child is gifted with a learning disability; the child is exceptional in intelligence and has a learning problem. Both conditions need “treatment.”
[vi] Different information and ideas on learning disabilities: https://ldaamerica.org/types-of-learning-disabilities/, https://ldaamerica.org/info/adults-with-learning-disabilities-an-overview/
[vii] http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2151
[viii] https://bit.ly/32BBv42 to read the entire article.
[ix] For more information on neurodiversity see this link to the Harvard Medical School, and What Is Neurodiversity: And how can parents support kids who are neurodivergent? Institute.https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-neurodiversity-202111232645
[x] An additional piece that explains the relatively new field of neurodiversity is found here: https://childmind.org/ article/what-is-neurodiversity/
[xi] ASHA, American Speech-Language-Hearing Association explains much about the 1970s law IDEA, Individuals with Learning Disabilities Act, and how specific conditions or deficits are given mandated educational coverage is found here: https://www.asha.org/advocacy/idea/04-law-specific-ld/ At the time of the legislation, gifted proponents didn’t want to be included because being gifted isn’t a deficit or learning disability. Parents and others soon learned that if learning up to one’s inherent potential isn’t happening for their child, they might not be able to get flexible and adequate gifted education services, but they could get allowances or support for other learning deficits or issues.
My Books
The Five Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023). https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-Children-Grown-Up/dp/B0C9SHFRLH or https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-5-levels-of-gifted-children-grown-up-phd-deborah-l-ruf/1143719859?ean=9798988323709. This is an 18 year longitudinal study follow-up about the original gifted child subjects in 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options (2005, 2009).
Keys to Successfully Parenting the Gifted Child (2023). Keys to Successfully Parenting Gifted Children (2022, 2023)
5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options in 2009. Here are links to the 5 Levels of Gifted book on Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/5-levels-of-gifted-deborah-ruf/1126358834 and Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-School-Educational-Options/dp/0910707987 or directly from the publisher: https://www.giftedunlimitedllc.com/store/p12/5_Levels_of_Gifted.html
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