Gifted Sibling Rivalry and Bullying: Part 3
What the now-adult gifted children tell us themselves; their quotes
This post presents additional quotes from some of the now-adult gifted children from The 5 Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023) book study results.
The Part 1 post (June 11, 2023) introduced background from the longitudinal study about gifted children grown up as well as other studies related to within family bullying and teasing. The Part 2 post (June 13, 2023), gave examples of quotes from the book’s subjects about the questions surrounding teasing and bullying. Today’s post (June 18, 2024) adds additional family stories, response and information. Because I considered many factors surrounding the views of the subjects and their family members, I’ve used those factors to help readers also see the impact those factors, too, might have. To aid in interpretation, I’ve included a personality table at the end of the narrative sections that you can print out and use as helpful references.
Earl Langer
Earl, an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four, didn’t provide a childhood personality result. His adult type is INFP (Idealist). He said this of his younger sister when in his mid-twenties:
We got along pretty well and were generally supportive of each other. Our interests and personalities are so different. I kind of did a little bullying, occasionally, like I thought it was something I was supposed to do. I was an impressionable kid. They (1) probably did a little better in school. I don’t think we’ve ever been super competitive with each other.
Earl thought (and said) his parents ever understood him. There was a personality clash between his parents and him, and Earl was, in some ways, negatively challenged by his father over clear differences in their goals and expectations. I have no information about his younger sister, but Earl has the mental health diagnoses — anxiety and depression — that matches that of bullied people. In his case, see his fuller story in a later post to understand where the in-family bullying came into the picture.
Victor and Colton Schultz
In this next sibling pair, we know that the younger brother academically accelerated past his older brother and their parents did not share the details with their sons about any of their testing. So, it is not easy to know whether the intellectual ability was hugely different or if it was personality, interests, or the different personal motivations of each brother that led to them having different educational trajectories. Both have graduate degrees and professional level careers. The brothers rarely speak or see one another.
Colton, who declined participation in the follow-up study, is one year older than Victor, and both brothers preferred INTJ (Scientist) as children. Victor’s adult type preference is INFJ (Protector, 1.2%). Victor was more than happy to participate in the study interview. Victor is profoundly gifted, Level Five, and when in his late twenties and asked about his relationship with his brother, he said:
We were only 13 months apart in age. I think it was sometimes hard for Colton to deal with his younger brother being in the same grade and then a grade ahead of him. I did not really appreciate this at the time. I suspect it may have been a factor in my parents electing for him to go to Key High School while I was at Upland High. We seem to get along better now that we are both older and further apart physically and emotionally.
In a later interview, we see how age often brings more thoughts on between-sibling relationships. By the time Victor was in his early thirties, he added to his ideas about how his relationship with his brother went:
Honestly, there was considerable conflict and competition. Colton had musical and language skill and he focused on that. I took French and Spanish in school but although I can understand it, I’m not at all fluent. It was his thing, so I almost felt I wasn’t supposed to focus on it. Our parents deliberately didn’t tell us how we scored. I’m not sure if it would have helped or not with all this. We’re still not close.
When there is no input from the other sibling, we can’t verify mental health issues for that person, of course. But it is interesting that almost all siblings who were the ones making it harder in one way or another for a sibling, they knew. They brought it up. And they frequently revisited the question. This is a good thing because they still have the chance to approach their sibling with an acknowledgement and perhaps even an apology. Personally, I recommend starting with a letter because it gives the recipient privacy to consider how they feel about things and what any next steps might be.
William and Jacob Jones
William and Jacob also experienced difficulties due to their close age and enough differences in academic prowess or intelligence to cause some problems. William is the older of the two by 18 months, and although he is an exceptionally gifted Level Four, his extreme intelligence was — in William’s description of it here — not as worrisome to his parents because his younger brother is profoundly gifted, Level Five, with more “obvious” learning needs. As William said:
I was always overshadowed by my younger brother, and my parents and school focused on him more. At the same time, I was always pushed to be accelerated and it wasn’t the best for me. By middle school, the other students gave me a hard time about why I wasn’t as smart as my brother and why he was taking some classes higher than I was. After a few years of this, our parents ended up sending us to different schools and that really made a positive difference.
For these brothers, some of their school achievement difference can probably be attributed to their very different personality profiles. At age 11, William had an INFP (Idealist) profile while Jacob had a much more self-disciplined “school cooperative” ISTJ (Duty Fulfiller) type preference at that age. As adults, William prefers EnFP (Inspirer) and Jacob prefers INTP (Thinker). When about thirty years old, William stated clearly that he “knows” he is less capable and not as smart as his younger brother. That part is true in some ways; but the issue here is that William is incredibly smart himself — an intellectual outlier — so the comparison, the relativity of it, left him with difficulty understanding his own strengths and abilities during much of their childhood. In his words:
I love Jacob! Jacob’s great. There was a worry that I would be perceived as dumb because he’s gifted. When he was younger, he liked to push my buttons. If he got to me, he would really get to me. Once our parents sent us to different school systems and we weren’t interacting; it gave us a chance to develop differently. I wanted to talk to him during many of the years we weren’t in touch, but it’s only been recently that we are really close. This closeness happened since our parents divorced, and neither of us wants to end up miserable like our father. (2)
When in his mid-twenties, Jacob gave his view of what happened during their school years:
It was hard for my brother, William, when we were in middle school, and we started to be accelerated and he was bullied and treated meanly because I was being accelerated past him. So, he ended up going to the Robertson Charter School and I kept going to A-H (Antelope-Harrison). We had both gone to the charter school before and I decided it wasn’t for me, and it probably wasn’t for him, either, but he wanted to leave A-H.
Several years later, Jacob added:
In the last five or six years — we didn’t have that much of a relationship when we were in high school and college — I think he suffered a lot. Middle school and high school kids are kind of the worst as far as bullying him. I am really proud of him and what he is doing with his life — he’s written a lot and is really good — he ran a blog when he was really into cycling — a mix of sports blog and philosophical through the lens of the cycling community. He’s married to a [woman in the health field]. We text-chat almost daily. We get together fairly regularly. He is a staggeringly good cook and enjoys hosting. He’s kind of an anxious person. I think it runs in my family. I ride my bike there — to their place — and I love to ride beautiful trails. We also play Fortnite [online video gaming] often.
Jacob knew his brother had suffered and still struggled with anxiety, and even though their current relationship is good, he does not mention he was ever good at pushing his brother’s buttons. And he does not mention whether he has apologized or whether they have discussed some of the ways his own behavior negatively affected his brother in the past. And notice, too, that these siblings are older now than some of the earlier examples. William (who sought therapy for his anxiety and depression) finally recognized how hard his brother Jacob had been on him. And yet, both of them are avoiding bringing it up and getting it truly out in the open and behind them.
Justin Janacek
When in his early to mid-twenties, Justin, who is an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four and preferred ENFP (Inspirer) in childhood and ENFJ (Giver, 1.6%) as an adult, explained his past and current relationship with his much younger sister:
My sister Andrea is 8 years younger than I am. She’s competitive and openly doubts she’s as smart as I am. She isn’t, so that shouldn’t be the question. But there aren’t really any other issues between us at all. She was 7 when I went to Italy for 2 years for that study abroad thing at the end of my high school years. In my view, she was about 12 when our connection grew into us being social equals.
When I went off to college, I arranged to show her around New York for a week and we stayed with my rationalist friend, Alice. (3) Andrea’s 15 now. She’s super smart. She knows it and is confident. She skipped 8th grade. I see her as having severe anxiety. I am personally feeling pretty good at this point, although I often have sleep problems (I couldn’t sleep). I am pretty obstinate.
I have no information from the parents about their interactions or views of their daughter. Justin is still young, and when his comments above are combined with others throughout the book, we know he is generally a caring and sensitive person. His initial description of his relationship with his much younger sister was likely insensitive, and when he was interviewed later — and although he doesn’t mention that her severe anxiety may have come from being treated poorly by him in any way — he appeared to soften toward her and was taking a broader, kinder view of her as he matured.
Zachary Hackner
Zachary, who preferred ESFJ (Caregiver) as a child and ISTJ (Duty Fulfiller) as an adult, is an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four person who was never in a truly good fit situation during his school years, and it affected his social life and friendships. Zachary says his younger sister, Abby, was very competitive. Zachary’s mother, who preferred ISFJ (Nurturer) wrote that her daughter competed with him and “Zachary never made it any easier for her.”
When in his early twenties, he responded to the question about sibling rivalry or bullying this way:
I was pretty nasty to her when we were kids. Our family actually got family counseling and this was one of the focuses. My parents got divorced when I was in third grade and my sister was just starting school. Our whole family did therapy for another matter but a lot of this stuff came up. First, we were there about my sister’s depression. It was generally that. Our relationship now is quite good. She’s 19 now. I feel closer to her now and I’m not nasty to her anymore. Our relationship has drastically improved in the last few years.
From what Zachary mentioned, he eventually realized his sister is probably one of his best allies in the world. Both of them had so much going on when they were younger (e.g., their mother’s depression and their parents’ relationship and divorce), that the bullying and competition helped get them all into therapy for the help they needed. Of course, not all families who struggle with emotional and communication issues have access to therapy or have a willingness to get it when there is access.
Rebecca Resnick
Rebecca, who is an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four, stopped corresponding or answering questions after she talked with her younger sister, who is not part of the book study. Rebecca’s childhood and adult type preference was INTP (Thinker, 1.7%). Her sister consistently bullied and teased Rebecca throughout their younger years. After I interviewed Rebecca and she gave considerable information about her life and views, she reached out to her sister to invite her to answer questions for the book study.
Her sister not only refused, but she involved Rebecca in a conversation about how the “gifted label was a negative and there is no good reason to use the term at all.” After being open and generous about her life and views when I first contacted her, after interacting with her sister about the book, Rebecca asked that I not contact her again. Their mother reported that when both girls were in middle school, Rebecca’s way of talking with her sister was insensitive and made her sister angry. Both of Rebecca’s parents have the type preference INFP (Idealist), and such being the case, they would likely agree that Rebecca was insensitive and unkind because she didn’t talk the way they thought people should talk.
Rebecca has been lonely and felt odd much of her life, so more than anything she wants to have her sister like her. Here is what she wrote about her personality results when she was sixteen:
My personality type was really selfish and self-absorbed for a LOT of my younger years. Some of the self-absorption no doubt came from having no understanding of how the rest of the world worked, but I also made very little effort to try to understand it and preferred to stay inside my own head.
Only 1.7% of women prefer INTP, and for Rebecca, it might play a role in her minimal social life and painful interactions with her sister and her mother. Because she dropped out of the study at the behest of her bullying sister, she didn’t share any emotional health issues with the study.
A personality table to help with interpretation:
In the final post (June 23, 2024) about Sibling Rivalry and Bullying are more samples of what the now-adult gifted children tell us themselves plus the Summary Comments About Sibling Rivalry and Bullying Results, Gifted Sibling Rivalry and Bullying: Part 4.
Endnotes
1 — Earl’s sister identified as “trans” from an early age and uses the non-gender personal pronouns for themself.
2 — Their father has struggled with both physical and emotional health issues that have gotten worse over the years.
3 — A rationalist is a person who bases their opinions and actions on reason and knowledge rather than on religious belief or emotional response.
The gifted adult subjects in my follow-up book (listed in the next note) were all part of the first 5 Levels of Gifted book I wrote in 2005. The first edition of Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind, 2005, was renamed with no other changes to 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options in 2009. Here are links to the 5 Levels of Gifted book on Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/5-levels-of-gifted-deborah-ruf/1126358834 and Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-School-Educational-Options/dp/0910707987 or directly from the publisher: https://www.giftedunlimitedllc.com/store/p12/5_Levels_of_Gifted.html
Available in The 5 Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023). Find on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-Children-Grown-Up/dp/B0C9SHFRLH or Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-5-levels-of-gifted-children-grown-up-phd-deborah-l-ruf/1143719859?ean=9798988323709.