Gifted Sibling Rivalry and Bullying: Part 4
More samples of what the now-adult gifted children tell us themselves and Summary Comments About Sibling Rivalry and Bullying Results
This post presents additional quotes from some of the now-adult gifted children from The 5 Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023) book study results. It also concludes this section about gifted sibling rivalry and bullying with a summary description.
The Part 1 post (June 11, 2023) introduced background from the longitudinal study about gifted children grown up as well as other studies related to within family bullying and teasing. The Part 2 post (June 13, 2023), gave examples of quotes from the book’s subjects about the questions surrounding teasing and bullying. The Part 3 post (June 18, 2024) adds additional family stories, response and information. Because I considered many factors surrounding the views of the subjects and their family members, I’ve used those factors to help readers also see the impact those factors, too, might have. To aid in interpretation, I’ve included a table at the end of the narrative sections that you can print out and use as a helpful reference.
Chuck, Rick, and Bill Arnesen
Brothers Chuck, Rick, and Bill Arnesen are all gifted and, as with most siblings, not the same or even similar in many aspects. Chuck’s type preference during childhood and as an adult is INTJ (Scientist), and both Rick’s and Bill’s was INTP (Thinker) in childhood. Rick’s has not changed and Bill now prefers INTJ (Scientist). The family experienced much more than varying intellectual gifted profiles. Their parents both married three times; new half-siblings entered the picture at their father’s house; and for about six years, four step-siblings became a regular part of their mother’s house. As they all pointed out during interviews for the book, at one time they had eight grandparents. All three boys did some professional acting, and one of them was away from home for the better part of four years because of it.
So, aside from some unusual reasons for an unevenness of attention within some families like this one, more than one sibling from the book’s many families pointed out a situation that is common among gifted families who have more than one child: it is hard enough when one sibling gets more attention, but when that child is younger, the impact on the older, also gifted, child can be great. When the gifted child who needs acceleration is not the oldest, the issue of whether to skip grades or otherwise accelerate instruction becomes a difficult issue because other students typically tease the older child if “little brother” (or sister) is taking higher-level classes.
The Arnesen family sought different ways to keep their sons apart during their school years for reasons both within and without the family, using tutors, going away from home for following or developing another talent — and trying different schools. A solution that works for many is to send the children to different schools. Several families from the book study did that, and it worked well for the emotional and social health of the children. It still was not perfect, but the sibling relationships sometimes improved. But as a result of their parents’ divorce, the Arnesen boys spent summers together at their father’s house, which left Rick and Bill in close, mostly unsupervised, proximity for the last four or five years of the older boys’ school years, while the eldest, Chuck, went to work with their father.
When in his late thirties, highly to exceptionally gifted Level Two Chuck answered the sibling rivalry question this way:
Rivalry? Not for me. Perhaps that is because my interests are different from those of my brothers. I am happy — not envious — of their success; it has nothing to do with me. Examples: Rick has had a couple articles published in legal journals, and he was mentioned in the New York Times; Bill is having success within the parameters of his field of study, which I guess is Business and/or Marketing. Great, but those aren’t things I would want to do.
Several years later, in his early forties, Chuck added some additional thoughts:
I’m going to guess that I was envious of Rick when we were growing up; I’m not now. (1) I see now that being successful in something as silly as entertainment — and particularly acting — is complete folly and mostly luck. [At the time] I felt I was most likely inferior, and now I don’t see that even matters overall. Bill, of course, is six years younger, so I didn’t feel competitive with him, and since then we’ve had some good talks. He was really successful doing something he [eventually] hated and it burned him out and I’m not sure I would want to do that. If you were an outsider looking in, he looks like he’s got it made. And I know he’s not particularly happy. I love my brothers, and I guess I love my half-sisters, although I don’t really know them — haven’t seen them in about 6 years.
The second brother, Rick, when just entering his forties, and categorized as a profoundly gifted Level Five, summarized the way he thought things had gone during childhood and how it affected his relationship with his brothers:
My brothers would certainly think I was focused on more than they were. And my professional career back then was an issue. I think there was some bitterness from them both, more Chuck, who would have felt in competition. Tougher for him as he’s older and we’re closer in age. Bill was less affected that way, and Chuck’s had a less prosperous adulthood [being a freelancer in a creative field]. I think I got along with both of them pretty well. I felt Chuck was resentful and Bill thought I was annoying and irritating at times. Once we had the experience of having the step-family, it made us appreciate our similarities more. No bullying or teasing and we do all have a sarcastic sense of humor. The only one who might say yes to that, the bullying question, is Bill. I would hope he doesn’t feel I bullied him. I don’t know. I think he falls into sarcasm when with us, but no, he probably isn’t as sarcastic. Not close now — they live so far away — and we’ve all gone in such different directions in our lives.
Bill, the youngest of three boys, and an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four, first addressed the sibling rivalry question while in his early thirties:
Rivalry? Knowing my brothers are smart, and that Rick in particular was very driven by achievement and a notion of success, definitely did have an effect on me. Along with how my parents raised me, it reinforced the belief that I have to be self-sufficient and I have no excuse not to be! But I never strongly felt the “fire of ambition” I see in my brothers. They want to do great things, and I admire them for it, but I also suspect it makes them unhappy. I’d rather “pull back” a bit and live a happier life. I may be that way, in part, because of their influence. Going back to the subject of sibling rivalry: I don’t think I ever felt like either of them was my “rival” in any way. I liked and admired them, and I wanted them to like me. Rick and I bickered a lot over things when he was in high school [and back home from his acting career], but it felt like simply the result of being more than 4-and-a-half years younger than he is.
By his mid-thirties, a time — and age range — when many people start to take a deeper look at their lives and futures, Bill shared more thoughts about his relationship with his brother, Rick:
My relationship with Rick was always fraught while growing up. A lot of my self-worth issues were from his constant ridicule. Anytime I spoke, he was scornful, ridiculed me, he hit me a lot, would surprise me and embarrass me. I think my jumpiness comes from him coming up behind me and hitting me. He would gloat when he beat me in games (he was smart, over four years older, and now I know he might have cheated, too). I think I got my bad sportsmanship from dealing with him. He’s never apologized to me about any of it. I’d like to think he could change. I not only don’t agree with his views and actions, but I also don’t think he can change.
During his teenage years, in particular, Bill said he had pulled back from doing any of the things he was good at that his older brother teased or ridiculed him about. Bill talked about how some of the earlier ridicule still affects him:
I think the biggest thing with me, I have to be really comfortable to perform my best. I require a lot of one-on-one interaction and patience. I start slowly and speed up as I get going. When we all were younger, the big-brother factor [the one who teased and was sarcastic with him] kind of weighed on me and made me wary. I still, with things like singing and dancing, I still feel nervous about doing both. I need a lot of love and affection.
When he addressed his relationship with his oldest brother, Chuck, Bill said this:
Then, with Chuck, it’s always been more distant. I think I’ve had many more fun times with Chuck. He was nice. He’s judgmental but he’s not mean to people, or ridicule them to their face, the way Rick does and did. Chuck made the effort to teach me brotherly things, to help me out sometimes. Six years age difference. It’s becoming more crystal clear how weird of a kid I was. It’s only recent that I really see that. Chuck, Rick, and Dad all made me feel like I didn’t count. I wasn’t included really. When I got the opportunity with friends and acquaintances, I wielded power and could even be mean, like Rick had been to me. It was like a dark cloud of badness over me. I didn’t feel hopeful about the future in any way. I didn’t feel hopeful about life. I didn’t want to do any of that.
Throughout his teens and adulthood into his mid- to late thirties, Bill says he was plagued by anxiety, depression, and self-doubt, while at the same time, he has been successful in his career and personal life. When asked about his career success, he said it was to show his father and brothers he could do it and maybe get some positive attention from them, much like Albena earlier in the book competing with her “smarter” sister for the positive attention.
As Bill reached his late thirties, and after he underwent therapy for his anxiety, he came to see Rick had also been kind and supportive, especially as they got older, and Rick attended his university theater performances and college graduation and did, in fact, change to be kinder and nicer to him when they were both adults. Readers can see similar stories throughout the book. It isn’t just one family but different degrees of the same story for at least seven families.
Whether all of that stemmed from sibling rivalry, parental behaviors, or something else entirely, as Bowes makes clear (Bowes, L., et al., 2014), sibling bullying makes a child more likely to engage in self-harm as a teen, and McHale (2012) notes, “[t]ense sibling relationships make people more likely to use substances and to be depressed and anxious in adolescence.”
For this multi-talented group of boys and now men, the Arnesen parents — as with some other parents in the study — were not supportive of each other, not often on the same page, and they created an environment that lacked calm and consistent support. The parents’ issues were a significant impediment to their children thriving emotionally. Both parents were closely involved with all of them, as well as kind and loving to them. The mother and children worked with therapists and family counselors, but the father did not attend more than a couple of times himself. A lack of parental cohesion, whether there is a divorce or not, is a key finding in many of the families whose children are dealing with depression or anxiety in adulthood.
The good news is that with time and maturity, with access and support, everyone has the opportunity to heal from less-than-ideal childhoods. All three Arnesen brothers appeared to make emotional progress.
Most recently, in his mid- to-late thirties, Bill sought and worked with therapists and support groups, and he reports great progress in his mental and emotional health, and most significantly, he is no longer bothered by past issues with his brother, Rick. Throughout the pandemic, although living in different states, he and Chuck set up regular, usually weekly, movie and trivia nights with each other and some of their friends from high school years, too.
Chuck also worked with a therapist and some group programs during his mid-thirties. He now views his career in the entertainment industry as being in such flux that new opportunities he had never anticipated may be on the horizon. Rick is the only sibling with children and is also the least forthcoming about his thoughts and feelings compared to his brothers. Nearing his mid- forties, he, too, sounds happier and more positive than in earlier interviews. Finally, the passages that people experience — and how they deal with them — appear to play an active role in this family.
Kyle Amundson
Kyle, who has two younger brothers, is an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four, while his siblings are each moderately to highly gifted. Here is how Kyle, when in his mid- twenties, explained the relationship with his brothers:
When I was young, my middle brother and I struggled with sibling rivalry issues. He and I didn’t get along well at all. He was never as verbal, and I always won the verbal battles. I had a far greater mastery of words and manipulation than he did, and I was not always kind with it. We are both naturally competitive, and I was better at basically everything than he was. I do not put this down to immense natural gifts on my part; we are both quite smart. It is more accurate to blame that superiority on my two-and-a-half-year head start. This caused problems in our relationship for some time. The first turning point (and it improved things) was when he stopped trying to compete with me. The second turning point, years later, was when he found the first thing that he was better at than I was. Now we have a much healthier relationship, bonded by our common interests in gaming. My littlest brother, Frank, never had that issue. Our age gap is too great for competition to get in our way. Instead, he looks up to me, and in turn I have been a role model for him. He, too, shares common interests in games and computers, so we enjoy those things together.
Kyle says his mental and emotional health is good and he has never experienced anxiety, depression, or self-doubt. He did not mention whether or not he’s ever apologized to the brother he verbally bullied, and yet it is evident he wants to be at least somewhat close to both siblings now that they are grown.
Summary Comments on Sibling Rivalry and Bullying
Earlier in the posts, Tyler Lundquist, Tamara’s older brother, used the words “verbal abuse” to describe some verbal interactions in the family. In the Arnesen family, the middle brother, Rick, referred to sarcastic humor and interactions in their family. As he explained it, he went from initially describing it as a family trait, and then, as he talked about it, said he guesses his youngest brother, Bill, doesn’t anymore, or maybe never did. What’s important in these descriptions is that in both families, there was harm done. Sometimes people who use sarcasm, sometimes called “snark” or “snarky,” have their own background fears or insecurities and employ sarcasm as a way to appear stronger or more important than they actually feel. In both families, the victims of the abusive language or sarcasm struggled with figuring out who they really are and what they should be doing with their lives. (2)
People who use abusive verbal humor and sarcasm are generally coming from a place of seeking attention, not feeling accepted, heard, seen, or understood and they usually learn it from one or more family members who use the same approaches and for the same reasons. It requires high intelligence to be good at sarcasm. It often turns into a tool to cover one’s own fears or insecurities and to gain the upper hand. It is highly likely many readers of this book have experienced similar issues, and it will benefit parents and educators, and the gifted adults who struggle with depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and the other related issues that cause it and come from it, to learn more about it. It is not “nothing.” It is not about being too sensitive. It is abuse. It is a part of the ACES: Adverse Childhood Events discussed in more depth later.
Such treatment may have contributed to Tamara and Bill becoming Searchers, but it also contributed to considerable unnecessary uncertainty and pain for them both. Bill sought counseling to deal with his anxiety, but he was older by the time he realized that how he was treated wasn’t his fault and was, in fact, bad for him. Tamara is about ten years younger than Bill and most people take until at least their thirties, in my experience, before they stop blaming themselves and start dealing with setting boundaries for what is acceptable behavior and treatment from others, and that includes family members. Mental health practitioners work to guide victims toward empowerment and speaking up as they create healthy, acceptable boundaries. When that course of action still does not solve the problem, sometimes the most effective boundary is to spend less time with the perpetrator.
A Table to help with interpretation
Endnotes
1 — Adult Sibling Relationships, Greif & Wooley, p. 35. It is common for childhood rivalry and feelings of jealousy
to moderate or disappear as adult siblings rebuild relationships with their siblings later in life.
2 — See more about sarcasm and high intelligence here: https://www.creativehealthyfamily.com/sarcastic-people-are-moreintelligent-and-creative-studies-suggest/
References
Bowes, L., Wolke, D., Joinson, C., Lereya, S. T., & Lewis, G. (2014). Sibling bullying and risk of depression, anxiety, and self-harm: a prospective cohort study. Pediatrics, 134(4), e1032–e1039. https://doi.org/ 10.1542/peds.2014–0832- publications.aap.org
McHale, S., Updegraff, K., & Whiteman, S. (2012, July 24). Sibling relationships and influences in childhood and adolescence. Journal of Marriage and Family, 913–930.