Gifted Sibling Rivalry and Bullying: Part 2
What the now-adult gifted children tell us themselves
This post presents quotes from some of the now-adult gifted children from The 5 Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023) book study results. Because I considered many factors surrounding the views of the subjects and their family members, I’ve used those factors to help readers also see the impact those factors, too, might have. To aid in interpretation, I’ve included several tables at the end of the narrative sections that you can print out and use as helpful references.
The Subjects’ Own Words
Kirk
Kirk, who is a moderately to highly gifted Level One (although as he got out on his own and found his own wings, so to speak, he is acting more like a Level Two or Three as an adult), 1 has both an older and a younger brother. His older brother is an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four while the younger brother is more like Kirk in intellect. Kirk’s type preference in childhood was IUTJ (Scientist/ Duty Fulfiller) while his older brother’s was INTP (Thinker) as a child and ENTJ (Executive, 2.7%) as an adult. The older boys are close in age and had less interaction with the youngest brother due to a larger age difference. The parents decided to homeschool all three children, and the differences in intellectual ability between the elder two boys quickly became evident to both of the children as they compared their school work.
The boys’ mother, INFJ (Protector), became the homeschooling parent who arranged the subject matter to fit each child. She then left them to complete much of the learning unsupervised. Had Kirk been in a regular classroom with agemates, he would likely have been one of the most capable learners in the class and stood out as exceptionally smart. But at home, he was a comparatively slow learner to his older brother, and the relativity of his inability to adequately compete was difficult.
Here is what Kirk, whose adult preference is InTP, Thinker, said about his experience when he was 24 years old:
My brother is about 3 years older. We were around each other a lot because we were homeschooled. He was a good brother, but I had anger management issues. I was an angry kid. I was destructive during those times. Rivalry, it has always seemed that he was better at everything than me. I am certain I am now better at a number of things but that if he worked on it, he would be better fairly quickly. Eventually, they — the anger issues with all of it — went away and I don’t know why I had them or why they disappeared. I was about 13 to 15 when it seemed to dissipate. I eventually went to the same grad school as he had attended and worked with the same mentor. Our relationship is good now.
As with several other families, I interviewed Kirk’s older brother even though he wasn’t part of the study. It is clear from what he said that he recognizes he was “bad” to his younger brother. Kirk was still young enough during the interview process that he tried to make excuses for why his older brother, whom he loved and admired and likely wanted to be loved by in return, had treated him poorly. While his older brother reports no depression or anxiety, Kirk said he experiences both.
Neither brother mentioned any rivalry issues with their much younger brother. More recently, more than two years later, Kirk reported that he and his siblings played video games with each other online throughout the Christmas holiday during the pandemic as none of them could travel to be together. “It was a blast!”
Albena Brosch
When there are differences such as grade acceleration or gifted program inclusion that are noticeable for one sibling and not another, some confusion and strife often occur. As mentioned in another post, Albena (Level One) preferred UNFP (Inspirer/Idealist) as a child and ISTJ (Duty Fulfiller) as an adult, and she admits she spent a lot of her time trying to gain favorable attention and acknowledgement from others while growing up. Her mother, ISUJ (Nurturer/Duty, Fulfiller) described Albena’s struggles with the older sister:
We originally went to Dr. Ruf for her older sister and her issues with underachievement and cooperation in school, and so much of the information we got from our consultation was about her sister, but it also led to us being able to tell Albena how she was gifted. It was easy to do. Albena was the object of bullying by her older sister and we found the information helpful about both girls to help them understand some of the dynamics and to help us parent in ways to help both girls feel valued and important. Albena’s largest challenge was to believe that she was talented. She grew up in the shadow of an older sister who skipped the 4th grade and was involved in accelerated programs at school and outside of school, which drew a lot of the spotlight away from her.
Shortly after Albena married several years ago, Albena shared details about her sister’s marriage and life in another state, but she made no mention of them having a relationship with each other at this point. They are both still in their twenties, so it is possible that can change as they mature and go through different developmental stages themselves. The family did not participate in any family counseling.
The Lundquist Family
Tyler
Tyler, the oldest of three, preferred ENFP (Inspirer) as a child and ENTJ (Executive) as an adult, is an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four, and first responded to the siblings’ rivalry question when he was almost thirty years old:
My sister and I are pretty far apart in age, so I didn’t pay that much attention to her when we were young. She was sensitive. By the time she reached about 14 or 15 — our family basically expresses affection by way of verbal abuse — and I think Tamara at some point learned that it was okay to laugh at herself and then started getting along with everyone just fine.
My younger brother and I didn’t really get along for the last few years that I lived at home, but that basically immediately changed when I moved away from home. I don’t think this is anything out of the ordinary for brothers that close in age, though. [Less than three years.]
I think that Gary — and to a lesser extent, my sister, Tamara — had to deal with having teachers who had me first and so had pre-existing impressions, but you’d have to ask them about their experiences. In general, we have a fantastic relationship. Occasionally I sense that Gary is resentful because things haven’t gone as easily for him as for me. Gary graduated during the Great Recession, and getting a job wasn’t easy for him. Plus, where my sister and I majored in math-related fields, he’d majored in creative writing.
Tyler has confidence and he says he has never experienced depression or anxiety. Things have worked out well for him. Like others who recognized siblings may have been resentful or too competitive, he sees that his sister seems to be fine even though she took some time to “laugh at herself,” and he and his brother have not stayed as close. When we see the views of more than one sibling, we often see a pattern of a healthy self-confidence in at least one of them, in this case Tyler, while one or more siblings indicate self-doubt and a lack of confidence, anxiety and depression. In this family, as with several others, the one who may fit the bully description at times has some awareness, as in is first sentence above, but hopes things are okay now.
Gary
Gary, an exceptionally gifted Level Three, also preferred ENFP (Inspirer) like his older brother when they were children and is an iNFP (Idealist) as an adult. He spoke about his relationships with his siblings during an early interview when he was in his mid-twenties:
There’s never really been any conflict about other people’s feelings because my brother and sister are both smart as hell. Beyond that, more than anyone else in the family, I think my gifts are in very different areas than theirs.
However, in response to later questions about his mental and emotional health, Gary said this:
I’ve got a tendency towards introversion and depression that can make relationships difficult for me. I spent a lot of my sophomore and junior years of college retreating into myself and wasn’t as socially involved on campus as I’d like to have been. I’ve done talk therapy for about 6 months and will do more if I can afford it.
When asked if he ever had suicidal thoughts, he said:
Yes, I’ve had the thought about wanting to die, but I never really entertained suicide.
Gary also said,
I definitely get a lot of imposter syndrome. I fluctuate between being overly sensitive, I don’t know … I don’t argue well; I feel the need to be liked more than I feel the need to be right. I’m not great at communicating in relationships, standing up for myself. I think it holds me back creatively because I think what I might put out there might not be good enough. I have paralyzing perfectionism. And, I have no intention of having kids.
Tamara
Tamara, with a preference for ESFP (Performer) as a child and INFP (Idealist) like her brother Gary as an adult, is an exceptionally to profoundly gifted Level Four, and when she was in her mid-twenties, she wrote this about any sibling rivalry:
I personally never really struggled with a feeling of competition with Tyler or Gary. They’re both so much older and we all have different strengths. The only way it was hard was following my brothers in school, particularly following Tyler into the [University] Math Department. In my eyes, he had been the ideal math student, and half of the professors knew him as that, so it was hard feeling like I was being compared to him by the professors.
Several years later, Tamara considered that just because she was good at math, maybe that was not where her career interests lay. With the onset of the pandemic, she decided to continue what had previously been summer and vacation jobs in outside work with environmental and outdoor adventure groups. As she neared her late twenties, she shared some current thoughts:
I really like my brothers a lot! I just recently became an aunt, and while staying with my parents for one month, I traveled 5 hours four times each way to where Tyler and his wife live to see the baby! In the past, I do think Gary may have felt overshadowed by Tyler and me. I think he’s really settled into his own career and life now, though, and is doing well. We’re in touch with each other often. My parents let Gary get away with more, probably because he was funny and tried more than Tyler and me. As far as rivalry, I felt far more rivalry with my cousin who is my age and who always got the exact same test scores, grades, etc., as me. I compared myself to him and felt others were comparing me to him far more than to my brothers.
Tamara, the youngest and like several others who reported they had siblings who were using teasing or humor that left them unable to effectively defend themselves or respond when they were young, decided to become an excellent student. Neither brother took that path. And yet, when Tamara grew up, she realized that maybe her chosen career was not the one she should be in and is now emotionally wandering as she tries different opportunities that are still very much in flux for her. She answered during our interview the “any childhood trauma” question by saying she couldn’t think of anything. But her brother referred to family affection described as a form of “verbal abuse” that posed as humor. Again, this is often a not-so-subtle occurrence in many highly intelligent families because they are good at such humor. Sadly, it puts the victims back on their heels and unable to defend themselves.
Another sibling group with three study participants shows a similar pattern and result in the Arnesen family profiled near the end of the section (another post). Keep in mind that when we do not hear from all siblings, we have far less information about how each now grown adult sees it. At least half a dozen other subjects admit either to being hard on or being bullied by a sibling, but because there is no sibling reporting in these cases here we don’t hear the other siblings views and interpretations.
Tables for personalities that can help readers see patterns and outcomes better:
References and Notes
1 — When there is a star intellect or child in the family who gets most of the positive attention, other children in the family can be somewhat overlooked. This can lead to the child bowing out of any competition with the “star” and the parents not observing and noting the early milestones to the same degree they did for the “star.” I’ve covered this topic elsewhere in posts, and it is in the book, too.
The gifted adult subjects in my follow-up book (listed in the next endnote) were all part of the first 5 Levels of Gifted book I wrote in 2005. The first edition of Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind, 2005, was renamed with no other changes to 5 Levels of Gifted: School Issues and Educational Options in 2009. Here are links to the 5 Levels of Gifted book on Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/5-levels-of-gifted-deborah-ruf/1126358834 and Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-School-Educational-Options/dp/0910707987 or directly from the publisher: https://www.giftedunlimitedllc.com/store/p12/5_Levels_of_Gifted.html
Available in The 5 Levels of Gifted Children Grown Up: What They Tell Us (2023). Find on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-Children-Grown-Up/dp/B0C9SHFRLH or Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-5-levels-of-gifted-children-grown-up-phd-deborah-l-ruf/1143719859?ean=9798988323709.
Great insights and helpful in my thinking about a project discussed with my two sisters. They designated me to be the one to write THE book about just many elements you studied--what's it like to grow up with all three gifted and clueless about giftedness traits and behaviors until well after retirement years? Your study provides the theme--Through The Lifespan. We just admired each other and always thought the other two sisters were freaking brilliant and glad they included a third one (me) in the pack. That's right, each of us thinks we are smart and accomplished but it s the other two who are genius with multiple gifts and interests we admire. I am still looking for a through line or framework for such a book and find your thinking and writing helpful. I'm not a Ph.D. nor a therapist, so this has to be more like a memoire with some stories and life lessons that will make it a book someone will read completely on a weekend or during a long plane ride. Then write in the margins and read it again while sharing it with people you love and who love you.